Below, find every thought I had (literally) while watching Happy Gilmore 2 on Netflix:

1. I love when a movie starts with “My name is [title of movie].”
2. So I’m gathering this movie is about hockey?
3. Hey, it’s Julie Bowen!
4. Whenever I see her, I can’t help thinking of the 30 Rock line, “Instead of losing a push-up contest to Julie Bowen to see who gets to play Kevin James’s mean wife that he’s sick of having sex with…”
5. Four small boys? God help Happy Gilmore.
6. Aw, first recorded Adam Sandler scream of the movie!
7. Watching Sandler age in real time is crazy.
8. Who the hell is Chubbs?
9. Julie Bowen DIES?
10. Aw, it’s Adam Sandler’s actual daughter Sunny, from You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah fame!
11. Now that was a film.
12. Damn, I want to be really good at ballet.
13. And to be a Jeopardy clue, for that matter.
14. Ideally, one that people actually get right.
15. “We fight in the basement, not at the table.” LOL.
16. Classic dead-wife dream sequence.
17. Jesus, 300 grand for ballet school? I mean, my silly little creative writing degree was no cheaper, but that’s crazy.
18. Hey, it’s Please Don’t Destroy! Or one member thereof!
19. And…Margaret Qualley?
20. And Eric Andre?
21. Once again, I find myself spellbound by Sandler’s ’fit.
22. Or is it just his general charisma?
23. No, I think I genuinely like this Oxford shirt-sweats-baseball cap situation.
24. Sooooo much golf.
25. Why was my grandfather obsessed with watching this sport on TV?
26. Aw, Carl Weathers!
27. Uh-oh, Shooter McGavin seems to be getting out of prison.
28. Oh, wait, never mind on that.
29. Hey, it’s Sandler’s other daughter, Sadie!
30. BEN STILLER, BABY! We are so back.
31. Would I do well on Hot Ones?
32. Probably not.
33. There are plans for a new golf league afoot, but I don’t care so much about that.
34. Aw, Happy is 30 days sober!
35. Sooooo many ugly gold blazers. What is this, a suburban real estate firm?
36. BAD BUNNY!
37. Sandler’s beard color and texture are looking really good, I have to say.
38. If being skilled at sports means you have to drink out of a funnel on the field, then I’m good, luv.
39. God, I want to explain the rules of golf to Bad Bunny (not that I know them, but still).
40. Honestly, I just want to have a conversation with Bad Bunny. It can be about golf, or literally anything else.
41. Oop, Shooter’s back out in the world and scheming.
42. Honestly, my first move post-prison release would also be to order a tall stack of fluffy pancakes in a fancy hotel room.
43. Oh, no! The pancakes are courtesy of the evil golf league franchise!
44. Aw, all these flashbacks to young Sandler are killing me.
45. Always fun to have a major confrontation at Bob Barker’s grave.
46. I love how loyal Happy’s constellation of meathead sons is.
47. No offense, men who love this movie (or at least the original), but I’m bored.
48. If I had one complaint about adult life, it would be that I’m rarely (if ever) lowered down onto a stage while wearing angel wings.
49. Self-referential meta ’90s joke! Everybody drink!
50. Okay, I see how playing golf in the snow might be nice and vibe-y.
51. Not as nice as sitting around taking pictures in the snow for Instagram, but I digress.
52. Ooh, someone got a Pepsi product-placement deal!
53. Why am I weirdly stressed about the outcome of this fictional golf game?
54. Happy wins!!!
55. I mean, likely thing to happen in a movie called Happy Gilmore 2, but still.
56. Aw, and his daughter gets to go to billionaire ballet school in Paris!
57. Okay, well, that’s over.
58. Never change, Sandler.